No Angry Words

Do you think it’s possible to have a relationship without angry words? Isn’t this something most people would like to have? Maybe some of you have witnessed or been in one of these.

This does not mean you are never angry; just that you do not take your anger out on each other or blame the other for what is inside yourself. There are some things that simply should not be said to one’s beloved. There are hurtful, destructive words that we sometimes feel free to let loose on this one person whom we have promised to love above all others, but why is that? We know we never intended to do this and if we look into our hearts, we don’t want to do it even as we are doing it, because it is being in hell.

It’s not about perfection, but the effort toward not allowing angry words to pass between you and your love. Firstly, one must see the other as just that – a beloved, something precious; something not to be mistreated. This person is someone you do not want to harm, whose best interest is your best interest.

If there is some anger over something, one could just say, “Honey, I am angry at you. I suffer.” This comes from a place of love and openness, not accusation or fault finding, so that you can just discuss it honestly and without judgement. This is something that can be cultivated and may at first be difficult to do. At first even if you say these words, they may not sound right if there is sadness or anger in your voice, but that is OK too so long as you have both agreed to deal with difficult feelings honestly with the aim to help each other. People should not be cruel to a beloved.

Thich Nhat Hanh in his book “Taming the Tiger Within” says this:

If you are capable of saying or writing these three sentences, you are capable of true love. You are using the authentic language of love. “Darling, I suffer, and I want you to know it. Darling, I am doing my best; I’m trying not to blame anyone else, including you. Since we are so close to each other, since we have made a commitment to each other, I feel that I need your support and help to get out of this state of suffering, of anger.” Using these three sentences to communicate with the other person can quickly reassure and relieve him or her. The way you handle your anger will inspire a lot of confidence and respect in the other person, and in yourself. This is not very difficult to do.

Allow each other to make mistakes, to sound more angry than perhaps was intended. Self-awareness and introspection are necessary for this to happen. You can feel an emotion, name it, let it exist, but not allow it to dictate your actions. You can learn to stand outside of it and observe it. For a while it may just take its course as it always has, but you are aware now, not just acting. This can be frustrating because you see what you’re doing yet are powerless to stop it at this stage. These habits are like addictions in this way. When you do achieve a victory, be glad; when the next three times you fail, be glad for that too because you can get better at it. Awareness is the first step.

Above all remind yourself that this takes time, but that if you keep at it, you can calm the emotional storms at least to a degree, or even several degrees. But it does take time and patience – patience with one’s self and the beloved. In a marriage, both must be on the same page for it to work. Prayer and meditation help and neither takes a lot of time.

I am inclined to say that before one can pray properly, one needs some basics of meditation. Thinking of thoughts that intrude as leaves blowing by, or simply labelling each one as “thought” as they come, is better than fighting them or expecting them to disappear completely. The goal of meditation is not a lobotomised state but a peaceful one, which means being at peace with whatever turbulence is going on within yourself, allowing it and acknowledging it without being swept away by it, which has the affect of calming the turbulence.

There is scientific evidence that practising the relaxation response has many physical benefits as well as mental ones, and it is a simple practise.

It is a good idea to start this is as a couple before beginning any emotionally charged discussion; to do this they can simply look into each other’s eyes and breath deeply a few times. It doesn’t take a lot of conscious breathing to elicit the relaxation response – I challenge you to try it right now, before you read further. In through the nose, out through the mouth, three times. I can wait…

 

Anger is an intense emotion for most people, and many have little self-control in this area. One can hope to never be angry with a beloved, but it is more useful to assume that at some point it will happen and to prepare for it before it happens. Whoever is the recipient of the anger has to be able to accept that his or her beloved is angry with them without over-personalising it, while the one who is angry has to be able to say “I’m angry” in a loving way, so that the two can deal with it together, rather than it being simply one person’s problem.

If both are angry, then each can take a turn and let the other speak – or there’s always writing it down if that’s too difficult. But definitely no yelling at each other and don’t forget the first step of just a few moments to breathe in silence. This can help both to see the truth of the other, that he or she suffers in this state and that it is not that difficult to reassure each other of your unfailing love.

 

This is the work of marriage. When people say “marriage is work” it is often taken to mean something entirely different. People mostly don’t really understand what the work is because we have lost sight of the idea that marriage is a vocation, not something that brings endless bliss and infatuation. Those are the rewards of work, not the substance of the relationship. In marriage we are meant to help each other grow in holiness, not to seek our own fulfilment. The worldly notion of endless courtship is poison to the purpose of marriage. Love is not expensive gifts and constant supplication; it is the work of two people learning and growing together and it requires a great deal of patience and the ability to forgive.

When we learn to see the other as a part of ourselves, we can begin to have compassion. When our beloved is angry with us, we can see that he is in hell and we will desire to help him out of that hell.

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